SPECIAL - for conneisseurs of PC . . . . .

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parametric
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SPECIAL - for conneisseurs of PC . . . . .

Unread post by parametric » Fri Feb 19, 2016 2:53 pm

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and reduce the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.

Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.

She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

And REMEMBER - It's not a Police FORCE - It's a Police SERVICE

WELCOME to the FOURTH WORLD. (Please vote responsibly) :lol:

parametric
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Re: SPECIAL - for conneisseurs of PC . . . . .

Unread post by Buzzard » Fri Feb 19, 2016 5:03 pm

((i)) :D ((i)) 8) ((i)) :wink: ((i))

The banning of cigarettes made me decide not to join.
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Re: SPECIAL - for conneisseurs of PC . . . . .

Unread post by Derek » Fri Feb 19, 2016 7:09 pm

Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
Reminds me of "Asterix in Britain" (any other Asterix fans here?), where Ceaser (being a cunning strategist) noticed that the Brits, who were unconquerable, knocked off fighting at 5PM and never fought on weekends, so you can guess how he made his successful invasion :)

Looks like Cameron is struggling to even get his fig leaf of a "fundamental and far reaching change" through.....
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Re: SPECIAL - for conneisseurs of PC . . . . .

Unread post by parametric » Sat Feb 20, 2016 2:41 am

Buzzard wrote:((i)) :D ((i)) 8) ((i)) :wink: ((i))

The banning of cigarettes made me decide not to join.
As a current - and long time smoker - I'd be with you on that.

If I'm being set up to have a limb blown off, I'd really like to have a cigarette to - ease my pain (in my mind at any rate/take my mind off it.

Probably true to say THIS directive comes from someone sitting at a desk that's in the very "thin" of the fray . . . .

Reminding me of BlackAdder Goes Forth:

General Melchett: Are you looking forward to the big push?

Private Baldrick: No sir, I'm absolutely terrified.

General Melchett: The healthy humor of the honest tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.

Captain Blackadder: About thirty-five miles behind you.
parametric
Alesis Fusion 8SSD AND 6SSD - BOTH are 384Mb/120Gb SSD/Akai ADVANCE61/Yamaha MOXF6/1024Mb Flash Ram/Yamaha SY85/8.5mb vol/1024k non-vol/DX21/Roland MT32/Bachmann double overstrung Baby Grand Piano/Win10 Pro/Ubuntu MATE 15.0.4/iBook G4/Mac OS 10.4.6/ProTools 7.4/MBox2/M-Audio MicroTrack 24/96

NI Komplete11 Ultimate

Sector101 2x SYEMB06 / 4 x EXM-E3 128MB DRAM Module

BRAND NEW DSDD (720k) FLOPPY DISKS FOR SALE - http://www.yamahaforums.co.uk/forum/vie ... =22&t=9217

Watch out now! take care, BEWARE of the greedy leaders! They'll take you where you should not go - (George Harrison)

IT'S TRUE - "MONEY TALKS" - TO ME, IT MOSTLY SAYS "GOODBYE" ;-)
http://www.chrisnmiller.co.uk/Chris
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